When we sit and define the word 'Enough'
by AndLearnToFly
Summary: This story is Blaine doing for Kurt what Darren Criss did for me. "The stars lean down to kiss you, And I lie awake and miss you. Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere". Characters belong to Ryan Murphy and Glee. Song, Vanilla Twilight, belongs to Owl City.
1. Chapter 1

The Dalton Common room was always fill to the brim once 4pm hit, and today was no exception. Every surface was covered with forgotten text books and broken ball point pens, while the boys laughed and chatted loudly with the relief of classes done and time to relax. The Warblers, as per usual, occupied the corner of the room with the piano, humming and tapping their feet along with Blaines lead.

As more and more people wandered into the room the noise got louder and louder. There were no seats left to find, and a simple task like walking from one side of the room to the other was made difficult by people stretched out on the carpet.

Blaine sat in front of the piano, playing the first few keys of the new choice for Sectionals.

_"The stars lean down to kiss you_  
><em>And I lie awake and miss you<em>  
><em>Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere<em>

_'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly_

_But I'll miss your arms around me_  
><em>I'd send a postcard to you, dear<em>  
><em>'Cause I wish you were here<em>"

The Warblers all blended in with their harmonies, and silence spread through the room with a domino like effect. This was going to be good, they could all feel it.

_"I'll watch the night turn light-blue_  
><em>But it's not the same without you<em>  
><em>Because it takes two to whisper quietly<em>

_The silence isn't so bad_  
><em>'Til I look at my hands and feel sad<em>  
><em>'Cause the spaces between my fingers<em>  
><em>Are right where yours fit perfectly"<em>

Blaine glanced up from the piano, searching for one particular pair of eyes. It was all automatic, he knew that Kurt would be standing to the left of him- In the perfect position for romantic eye contact in love songs. They'd only been dating for less than 2 months, but it had been 2 of the most amazing months in Blaines life.

He loved everything about Kurt. He loved his eyes, that when they connected with his were an endless blue. He loved how he fidgeted and wrung his fingers together when he was nervous, and still managed to look impossibly graceful. He loved how he ironed his uniform, when literally no one else did or cared. He loved the way he poked his pink tongue out the corner of his mouth when he was concentrating hard on something, so namely when he was doing his hair. He loved how when Kurt was talking about something important to him, it was difficult to do anything but give Kurt his undivided attention. He loved how when they shared pieces of cake or chocolate chip cookies in coffee shops Blaine always somehow ended up with the bigger half.

And he loved how Kurt loved him back, just as sweetly and strongly, like nothing in the whole world could come between the 2 boys.

In fact he could hardly think anything he didnt love about Kurt. Apart from- Damnit. Not Again.

He stopped playing and stretched around, scanning the room even though he knew he wouldnt be able to find him. Kurt was gone. One minute there, gone the next and with no GoodBye or any warning. Blaine glanced at the ground and saw the in-perfect-condition brown leather satchel that belonged to Kurt still in its usual place, next to his customised Dalton Scarf. He would only forget them if he was in a rush. If he was running away from something.

And then he realised everyone was staring at him, no surprisingly considering he just stopped playing the song he was playing half way though. He stood up, laughing awkwardly, and grabbed his bag and Kurts.

"I just realised I'm really late for something... Important? Yeah. An appointment. An important appointment." Blaine mumbled, "Sorry, I'll see you guys later. Wes, you can take over for me?"

Not waiting for a response he side stepped out the closest door and went to put his things in his room before starting his search for Kurt.

* * *

><p>Confusion. Fear. Suffocation.<br>Kurt was gripped with an all-consuming feeling. The feeling that this was NOT okay, and that no one should ever have to feel like this. His back and neck was tense, shoulders bent and fists tight. Tears screamed down his face and his heart thumped impossibly fast in his chest. He curled into a ball on the floor and gasped for breath. Nothing could possibly feel worse that this. Every fiber in Kurts body cried out with hopelessness.

The classroom was dark, the lights off and curtains drawn. The desks were all in their perfectly straight rows, chairs all tucked in and any mess well gone. It looks strangely robotic to anyone from a public school, but all the Dalton boys took pride in their schools immaculate appearance. The clock ticked over to 5 o'clock, and the hallways outside was silent- Apart from one set of footsteps. Kurt knew that they belonged to Blaine.

When there was seemed to be nothing solid, nothing certain in Kurts life there was always that one thing- Blaines loyalty. Everytime that Kurt freaked out and ran away from situations Blaine was always there, always looking for him and knowing exactly what to say. But that couldn't make it better, that silence helplessness that constantly kept its place at the back of Kurts mind.

Kurt knew that their 2 months wasn't long enough to justify anything big, but that didn't make them unimportant. He loved so many things about Blaine. How he only bit one of his nails (the pinky nail on his right hand) when he was feeling stressed, so all of his nails were perfect except just that one. How he walked with his headphones on, his steps subconsciously going to the beat. How, when they went to coffee shops, he drank his drink super slowly and then complained when the bit at the bottom was cold. How he always spoke up when something was annoying him. How he never seemed to let a day pass by without making the most of it.

And Kurt loved how Blaine loved him back, with a passion that Kurt could only relate to true love.

But that none of that changed anything. Kurt still hid. He hated Blaine seeing him like this, seeing his when he was at his weakest. And it was all getting worse, all getting too much. He was starting to hate crowded corridors, loud groups, being in places where things were likely to happen out of this control. He'd tried to deal with it today, standing beside the piano and telling himself to just breath and not be silly. That didn't stop his chest getting tighter though, and his eyes tear up. He got out just in time, leaving his things behind and running down the corridors until he found a dark corner to sit down and be surrounded by his feelings.

The door opened, and Kurt kept silent as the light turned on and Blaine stepped into the room, his eyes searching under each desk and in every corner. His heart skipped a beat as he saw Kurts fragile frame over under the window, curled up. Their eyes met, and Blaine knew immediately that it was happening again. Kurts anxiety, a panic attack. He slowly stepped over, and put his arms on either of Kurts shoulders, gently shifting his body onto the floor and laying his out. Blaine sat crossed legged next to him, not saying anything but getting hold of his hand and just being there.

Kurts breath came back, lying on his back with his shoulders straight and tears still falling. His heart rate slowed, and some of the fear began to ease. This was beginning to happen to often, the attacks. He couldn't help how he felt. He didn't want to cry. He didn't want to shake, to fidget, and to not be able to meet Blaines' eyes. His mind and body was at war- his mind urging his eyes to stop tearing up and his hands to stay where they were, while his body persistently conflicted his wishes and continued riding his anxious reflexes.

And that song. Blaine was humming it under his breath now. It was laiden with pressure.

_"But drenched in vanilla twilight_  
><em>I'll sit on the front porch all night<em>  
><em>Waist-deep in thought because<em>  
><em>When I think of you I don't feel so alone<em>

_**I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone"**_

It opened a whole new idea of fear. Everything has an end, everything good has to stop somewhere. And where was that for Kurt and Blaine? When will he get sick of coming to find me, Kurt couldn't help but think, When will he stop wanting me? All they were was a romantic song waiting for the moment when everything dies down and the next artist comes along.

So there they sat. For how ever long Kurt needed, there they would stay. Just being calm, just being together. For now. Just together.

"Babe, Are you feeling Okay now?" Blaines voice was soft, full of concern. "Do you need something to eat? I could go get you something. Or maybe just to go to sleep now?"

"Sleep. I'm just so exhausted. Constantly. Oh Blaine, what am I going to do?" Kurt said, as he watched Blaine stand up and accepted his hand, being pulled to his feet and then holding it as they left the classroom. "I'm so scared. All the time, I can hardly ask a question in class or eat in front of people. I'm so worried. Constantly. Every second of the day I'm thinking of what people think of me, reasoning to myself why everyone hates me and how much of a failure I am. That's the honest truth. Thats me with my walls down for this moment. Blaine. Blaine. I'm so lost".

Blaine stopped walking, and turned to Kurt. He kissed him lightly and softly on the lips.

Blaine looked straight into his eyes and said, "Kurt. Stop this. You're amazing. You are everything beautiful and pure and perfect. Stop doubting yourself. This is silly. You know that you're being irrational!".

"I know its irrational. But that doesn't stop the thoughts. Thats doesn't stop the constantly humming of anxiety in my chest, or the images of mocking in head. Theres nothing I can do. _I am so helpless_".

"I don't you to feel weird about this," Blaine chose his words carefully. "But I've actually been looking up some things on the internet. I think maybe you should go see someone, do some therapy. You've gone through tough stuff Kurt, stuff no one should have too. All the pressure was going to catch up to you at some point, right? So maybe its time to so something about it. I can sort it out for you. If you want to do it. Is that Okay? Kurt?"

Kurts face was blank. He stood still for a moment, and then let go of Blaines hand. He wrapped his lanky arms around his boyfriends torso and buried his face in his shoulder. Blaine just stood there and held him, a faint smile on his lips as he heard Kurt mumble "Yes, that would be Okay. _Thank you_".

Blaine had been waiting for the right moment and if this wasn't it, well, then he would be very surprised.

"Kurt? I, urh, I love you".

Kurt threw his head back in shock, and stared at Blaine with wide eyes.

"What?"

"I love you".

"Oh. Well, Urh. Argh. Uhm. I love you Blaine. Really. I love you too".

And then somehow everything, for that moment, everything was okay.

TBC

**It is ACTUALLY REALLY REALLY HARD to write about the characters I love so much. I want to do it some justice. Hopefully you guys thought it was alright :)**

**And read the next chapter, because I think its a ton better than this one. Onwards and upwards from here. **

**Reviews are love.  
><strong>


	2. Chapter 2

"Okay so today is probably not going to be like a normal session, Its going to just be all the House-Keeping things. I'm going to ask you some questions, and you just answer them all as honestly as you can. If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask. The tissues are right beside you if you need them- I'm used to people crying when they come to see me, so don't feel embarrassed if you feel emotional or anything! Its all fine. Here you are safe to say anything and not be judged. I'm just here to help you. Is that all fine, Kurt? Kurt?"

This wasn't at all what he had expected. In the movies and in TV shows Therapists are always wearing smooth suits and talking in hypnotic voices, sitting in the arm chair of expensive leather lounge suites. Everything was meant to be squeeky-clean and professional looking, the potted plants were meant to be plastic, and Kurt was meant to feel completely uncomfortable. But this was not the case.

The following is a list of unexpected things that Kurt was experiencing, they are in no particular order and are a parallel to the list Kurt was making in his own head from the moment he walked in the door:  
>1) The Therapist was a male, belonging to the name of Harry. He had grey eyes, that were surprisingly warm and kind. He was around 50 years of age, and wore a tie that was the colour of moss.<br>2) The reception was full of mismatching couches, all of which were lumpy and some of which were covered in hand-knitted patchwork blankets.  
>3) Everything was working on time. Kurt was used to working with everyone being fashionably late or unfashionably lazy. But here, despite the slightly haphazard surroundings, everything seemed to tick by in a well organised and functioning manner.<br>4) The people waiting in the reception room were completely... Well... They were completely normal. They weren't up-tight business people needing help with their midlife crisis' because they had no time to work through it themselves, or old weather-beaten types muttering to themselves and repeatedly retying their shoe laces. The people here fitted into the like-everyone-else category, Kurt didn't stick out here. It was reassuring.

The room that Dr Harry Burns worked from was a comfortable one. Average sized, with no desk but instead two couches facing each other and a coffee table between them. One wall was completely filled with book shelves, and another with views to the park outside. The windows were thrown open, and despite a slight autumn chill it was nice to hear the russling of the leaves from the trees outside and occasionally laughter from families walking their dogs.

Kurts mind leapt back to the matter at hand, "Oh, Sorry. Yes, Thats fine. I understand".

"Thats great. So, now that I've checked I've got all your basic details down here correctly," Harry picked up a refill pad from the table in front of him and go his pen ready to take notes. "Do you think you could tell any why you're here? I understand your boyfriend made this appointment for you. Maybe you could just tell me anything you can about your anxiety".

"Well. I suppose. This is very difficult to put into words, because its all a very strong mixture of fierce emotions," Kurt took a deep breath, and decided that maybe the best thing to do was to say everything that was in head. "I've always been an anxious person. My Mom used to call me her Little-Worrier. She passed away when I was young, about 8 years old. My anxiety was really hard to handle around that time, I was constantly having panic attacks- Thats the correct name, right? Anyway, when I hit 12 or 13 I was able to block it out a bit more. Able to be numb. But its been getting worse again. I guess because of a few things. I just started a new school. My best friend, Blaine, and I have started dating in the last 2 months. The school curriculum at Dalton, the school I've transferred to, is of a a higher standard than my old school, so I'm having to do lots of catching up. Plus on top of all of that, well, completely truthfully I think I'm still being affected by the bullying I suffered from. I had to move school being I was being abused." Kurt took a tissue from the box, and wiped away the tears gathering on his cheeks. "I recieved a death threat because I was gay. And thats what I think about when I have an panic attack. I feel like because of all these things, despite everything, part of me is dying anyway... Yeah, I've got a lot on".

Harry looked up from the paper he was scribbling furiously on, "So what would you say anxiety feels like? I see people mainly for anxiety disorders and depression, I need to make sure which one I'm working with in your case. So if you could put some of the feelings into single words for me?"

Kurt swallowed, and stared out into the park. This was really, really difficult.

"I feel scared. A lot. And I'm always worrying about whats going to happen next. I get very scared of having panic attacks in public. I get upset easily. Uhm, single words, Right... Tense. Stressed. But mainly disappointed. I get very disappointed in myself, for being so weak and for not being able to deal with things".

"Good answer, really good. You're obviously very observant about your own feelings, which is a positive thing. You also seem to be very critical of yourself- One thing that we will explore more in other sessions, but that is very important to understand, is that ones biggest critic is always ones self. Often, in fact most of the time, other people wont notice or wont care at all about things that you will criticise in yourself".

"That makes sense", Kurt admitted. "A lot of sense. I didn't think about it that way before to be honest. Even though is seems to simple."

Harry smiled at him, "Okay next question. I want you to tell me about your appetite and sleeping habits..."

* * *

><p>Blaine lay under a tree in the park, his head resting on his backpack and headphones in his ears. It was always welcome to have time just to lie on his back and stare at the sky above him. He played the game he'd played since he was a kid, imagining what the clouds were shaped like- Lions, cars, and mountains all up in the big blue sky.<p>

He enjoyed the peace of the late afternoon, all his homework finished and nothing planned for the Friday night ahead. Depending on how Kurt was feeling maybe they'd go see a film, or just go and spend time in Blaines room- David was conveniently going away for the weekend. The thought brought Blaine back to earth after having been in his dreamy state, and he brought his wrist up to check the time on his watch. 4 pm. Kurt should be done now.

Sitting up he saw that his timing was indeed perfect, and Kurt was walking slowly away from the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy building and towards Blaine. Kurt had not been all that pleased when he had found out that he wasn't going to be doing 'regular counselling'. Anyone had to admit that whole 'Cognitive Behavioural Therapy' term was pretty daunting. But Blaine was sure this was going to be the best thing, having researched it as therapy that works in a progressive way to change thought patterns and eventually behaviour related to anxiety or depression. And that's what Kurt needed. Well, hopefully. Otherwise it was pretty certain that Blaine was going to get some sort of silent treatment starting now.

Kurt reached the tree and his smile indicated that he was, in fact, alright. His eyes were a little watery, and he had definately been crying.

"Kurt, my darling, my love, my sweet," Blaine- Always the Charmer. "How was it?"

"It wasn't half as scary as I thought. But it was hard, talking through all these things that I choose to deflect all the time instead of thinking about. I think I'll go back. Well, I've already booked for the same time next week". Kurt said, laying out his jacket and lying down on the ground with his head of Blaines' stomach.

Blaine breathed in and out heavily, making Kurt giggle at the fact his pillow was moving up and down.

"Oi, What are you laughing at?" Blaine asked.

"You!" Replied Kurt.

Blaine responded to this with automatically- digging his fingers into Kurts ribs and tickling him. Kurt jumped up and went straight for Blaines arm pits, releasing a war cry and laughing uncontrollably.

They rolled around on the ground, ignoring the stares they were receiving from passing strangers reacting to the high pitched laughter erupting from the boys. While Kurts bony fingers and elbows aided him in the battle, Blaines experience of tickle-fights while growing up with his siblings made him much more experienced and tactical. He knew just where to aim for- Underneath knees, the back of the neck, and of course the bottom of feet.

'Mercy! Mercy!" Yelled Kurt, panting for breath while lying flat on his back trying to yank his left foot out of Blaines keen grip and kick him with the other. "I give up! You are officially the Champion".

"The Champion, aye?" Blaine let go of his foot, and grinned down at him, "And what does a Champion get?".

Kurt instinctively reached up and grabbed a the front of Blaines shirt, pulling him down on top of him. They laughed into each others mouths as their lips pressed together, soft and sweet. Kurt wrung his fingers into Blaines curls, and savoured the all the amazing sensations that Blaine gave. His smell, of sandle-wood and soap, and his taste of peppermints and coffee. The softness of his skin, and strength in his flesh. His happy laughter, which still gave Kurt butterflies. Their kisses were passionate, passionate and perfect. The boys carried on, giggling and kissing as the park became deserted and the wind went cold.

This was it. Lying on the grass with his boyfriend in his arms, and the imprint of kisses still felt on his lips. This was where Kurt felt safe. This was where Kurt felt hopeful for whatever was to come next.

TBC.

**Chapter One was a little morbid, so I thought I'd end this one on a much lighter note. I'm keen to find out how this ends, so I think a chapter or two more is definately on the cards.**

Main characters belong to Ryan Murphy and Glee.


End file.
